Friday, March 13, 2009

The Soul Angel

As far as I know, all Religions agree that the soul is what continues life in the spiritual world after we die. While all the major religions agree that we have a soul, there is a difference in their dogma as to when the soul enters the body. Catholics teach that the soul enters at the moment of conception. Jews believe that a person receives his/her soul when they draw in their first breath. These two religions are emphatic in their belief on this matter even though it is impossible to know what they claim to be fact because the soul is not only invisible it has no substance and is therefore un-measurable as well.

Personally, I believe that souls are handed out when a person dies and is admitted to Heaven. This seems more reasonable than arguing when a spiritual entity is attached to a physical body. This raises two questions: 1) why carry a soul around for your life here on earth and 2) more importantly, how did the soul get inside of the body in the first place?

While the soul is what supposedly separates us from the animals, I find it ludicrous to think that we need to carry one with us at all times, like the American Express card. But, since the soul is so important to the major religions of the world, I wondered how it came to be inside our body and who put it there. The Catholic Church teaches that the soul is implanted in our bodies at the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg that becomes us. As a good Catholic schoolboy (one who is scared shitless of everything and anything that might bring even innocent pleasure much less any thing even remotely concerning my dick) I wondered who was charged with the tremendous responsibility of watching for that exact moment when the happy, swimming spermatozoa, enticed and penetrated an egg floating down from the ovary by way of the oviducts on its way to the uterus where they would hold a dance then die if not fertilized. Since I never could get an answer from a Church that made up facts as they needed them, claiming that they were indeed facts that were based on tradition and faith, not hard evidence, I decided to create my own explanation of how this extremely precise event of inserting the soul at just the exact moment of fertilization would come about in each and every instance and who we should thank for this tireless endeavor. That would be the Soul Angel, of course!

Before any of you Thumpers attempt to point out the fact that this is not in the Bible, let me save you the time and effort. I am exercising the same right as the Catholic Church to make up silly pronouncements that are passed off as ascertainments, and spoon feed them to their catatonic followers as the truth. So, no it’s not in the Bible, yes I made the Soul Angel up but so does the Church in many of their declarations of fact. Now can I get on with my story? Thank you.

Soul Angels have a tough, grueling assignment. First of all, they must be constantly on the move, 24/7, searching for couples copulating in every possible place there could be: under bleachers, in back seats, bedrooms, bathrooms, elevators, theaters (off, off, Broadway), tree houses, outer space, rectories, etc.; the list is endless. Then, having spotted what is hopefully two consenting adults having sexual intercourse, the Soul Angel must dive into the center of the action like an illegal third party in a UFC event, waiting, watching for the right time then suddenly, with the seminal discharge releasing the mass of excited spermatozoa trying to avoid being trampled by the charging eggs eager to gore something (wait a minute! I’m confusing this with the running of the bulls at Pamplona. Oh well, it’s kinda like that so just go with me here, OK?) and spark a life, the Soul Angel grabs a new soul from his backpack, blows into the hole at the top to get it fully extended and wrinkle free, then waits and watches the mesmerizing dance of life until it identifies the successful sperm and, at the exact time that sperm penetrates the egg, and not a split second before or after, places the soul into the mouth of the sperm and, when the sperm savagely bites the egg causing the spark of life, it also permanently affixes the soul and begins the process of forming the body around it. (Just imagine the excitement when twins, triplets or more are conceived!!!) The Soul Angel assures that that soul is permanently affixed to the newly created human prohibiting it from falling out until the Angel of Death does its job and frees it from its earthly habitat so it can be sent on to be judged at the Pearly Gates.

Because much of a Soul Angel’s work is done at night in poor light, sometimes things don’t go as smoothly as described above. Occasionally the angel will spot a full blown sexual encounter and have to dive into the action immediately, before it’s too late. Most of the time, the result of the selfless, heroic action of the angel throwing itself into the fray without concern for its own safety, is that another soul will be successfully implanted just in the knick of time. However, some Soul Angels have experienced the displeasure of diving into the action amid cries of “who’s your daddy?” only to suddenly be aware of the smell of excrement, the absence of a warm and friendly vagina and the presence of a hemorrhoid or two! A realization not unlike we humans feel when we walk into the wrong restroom. Damn! It should have been more careful and cautious when scouting the rectory at St. Mary Margaret’s Catholic Church! Because of its chagrin, the Soul Angel attempts to sneak out the rear (my bad) and hopes to leave the scene undetected. Once the Angel cleans itself up, it is ready to return to work; ever vigilant and ever prepared to place a soul into a newly conceived human.

So, dear reader, I hope you had a chuckle at my feeble attempt to conjure up a tale to explain how a soul gets into a body and how it stays put in a manner that would support the imbecilic catholic dogma of when (but not how) a soul is placed in a human being! If you were offended because I crudely and disrespectfully attacked the Catholic Church arm of organized Religion then I say "you are right but I am not sorry!" Don't spend too much time soul searching because of this!!

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