The Soul Angel

As far as I know, all Religions agree that the soul is what continues life in the spiritual world after we die. While all the major religions agree that we have a soul, there is a difference in their dogma as to when the soul enters the body. Catholics teach that the soul enters at the moment of conception. Jews believe that a person receives his/her soul when they draw in their first breath. These two religions are emphatic in their belief on this matter even though it is impossible to know what they claim to be fact because the soul is not only invisible it has no substance and is therefore un-measurable as well.

Personally, I believe that souls are handed out when a person dies and is admitted to Heaven. This seems more reasonable than arguing when a spiritual entity is attached to a physical body. This raises two questions: 1) why carry a soul around for your life here on earth and 2) more importantly, how did the soul get inside of the body in the first place?

While the soul is what supposedly separates us from the animals, I find it ludicrous to think that we need to carry one with us at all times, like the American Express card. But, since the soul is so important to the major religions of the world, I wondered how it came to be inside our body and who put it there. The Catholic Church teaches that the soul is implanted in our bodies at the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg that becomes us. As a good Catholic schoolboy (one who is scared shitless of everything and anything that might bring even innocent pleasure much less any thing even remotely concerning my dick) I wondered who was charged with the tremendous responsibility of watching for that exact moment when the happy, swimming spermatozoa, enticed and penetrated an egg floating down from the ovary by way of the oviducts on its way to the uterus where they would hold a dance then die if not fertilized. Since I never could get an answer from a Church that made up facts as they needed them, claiming that they were indeed facts that were based on tradition and faith, not hard evidence, I decided to create my own explanation of how this extremely precise event of inserting the soul at just the exact moment of fertilization would come about in each and every instance and who we should thank for this tireless endeavor. That would be the Soul Angel, of course!

Before any of you Thumpers attempt to point out the fact that this is not in the Bible, let me save you the time and effort. I am exercising the same right as the Catholic Church to make up silly pronouncements that are passed off as ascertainments, and spoon feed them to their catatonic followers as the truth. So, no it’s not in the Bible, yes I made the Soul Angel up but so does the Church in many of their declarations of fact. Now can I get on with my story? Thank you.

Soul Angels have a tough, grueling assignment. First of all, they must be constantly on the move, 24/7, searching for couples copulating in every possible place there could be: under bleachers, in back seats, bedrooms, bathrooms, elevators, theaters (off, off, Broadway), tree houses, outer space, rectories, etc.; the list is endless. Then, having spotted what is hopefully two consenting adults having sexual intercourse, the Soul Angel must dive into the center of the action like an illegal third party in a UFC event, waiting, watching for the right time then suddenly, with the seminal discharge releasing the mass of excited spermatozoa trying to avoid being trampled by the charging eggs eager to gore something (wait a minute! I’m confusing this with the running of the bulls at Pamplona. Oh well, it’s kinda like that so just go with me here, OK?) and spark a life, the Soul Angel grabs a new soul from his backpack, blows into the hole at the top to get it fully extended and wrinkle free, then waits and watches the mesmerizing dance of life until it identifies the successful sperm and, at the exact time that sperm penetrates the egg, and not a split second before or after, places the soul into the mouth of the sperm and, when the sperm savagely bites the egg causing the spark of life, it also permanently affixes the soul and begins the process of forming the body around it. (Just imagine the excitement when twins, triplets or more are conceived!!!) The Soul Angel assures that that soul is permanently affixed to the newly created human prohibiting it from falling out until the Angel of Death does its job and frees it from its earthly habitat so it can be sent on to be judged at the Pearly Gates.

Because much of a Soul Angel’s work is done at night in poor light, sometimes things don’t go as smoothly as described above. Occasionally the angel will spot a full blown sexual encounter and have to dive into the action immediately, before it’s too late. Most of the time, the result of the selfless, heroic action of the angel throwing itself into the fray without concern for its own safety, is that another soul will be successfully implanted just in the knick of time. However, some Soul Angels have experienced the displeasure of diving into the action amid cries of “who’s your daddy?” only to suddenly be aware of the smell of excrement, the absence of a warm and friendly vagina and the presence of a hemorrhoid or two! A realization not unlike we humans feel when we walk into the wrong restroom. Damn! It should have been more careful and cautious when scouting the rectory at St. Mary Margaret’s Catholic Church! Because of its chagrin, the Soul Angel attempts to sneak out the rear (my bad) and hopes to leave the scene undetected. Once the Angel cleans itself up, it is ready to return to work; ever vigilant and ever prepared to place a soul into a newly conceived human.

So, dear reader, I hope you had a chuckle at my feeble attempt to conjure up a tale to explain how a soul gets into a body and how it stays put in a manner that would support the imbecilic catholic dogma of when (but not how) a soul is placed in a human being! If you were offended because I crudely and disrespectfully attacked the Catholic Church arm of organized Religion then I say "you are right but I am not sorry!" Don't spend too much time soul searching because of this!!

Short Story Loosely Based On US Policy In The Middle East

I read an article condemning Jimmy Carter’s trip to meet with some of the leaders of Hammas. The article was on Darryl Cagle’s political cartoon website and it was written by, of all people, Oliver North. Rollie pollie Ollie and the Contra Rebels who brought us one of this country’s most embarrassing moments when his illegal arms for drugs, er airplane parts for Iranian planes took place in the Reagan administration’s years. What a joke! Ollie North criticizing Jimmy Carter! If the Bush administration (and Clinton, Bush I, Reagan) would have kept up the initiative of the Carter administration and kept the talks active and the pressure on both the Israelis and Palestinians, Jimminy Carter would not have had to hop off to Hammas and try again to broker peace in the region. Here's what might have happened with the Bush Administration's plan for Peace in the Middle East from my wild imagination.

The phone rings on President Bush's desk but he can’t get to it, he’s on the toilet reading a Rush Limbaugh book.

Mr. Bush, “Darn it, now who is it? It has taken me seven years to get to page 44 but it was worth it. I finally got all of my advisor’s to just say “Ditto, sir” when asked their opinions. It has saved lots of time and tax payer money and allowed me to make decisions in a rapid yet supportive manner. Ha, here's to you, Frank Rich and your New York Times! You won’t be so quick to call me stupid anymore! That’s a great beginning to my legacy! Darn I wish Nancy Pelosi was here. She can clean me up better than anyone on my staff!”

The answer machine clicks in: “Hi, you’ve reached the desk of the president of the United States. To continue in English, press one. (Beep, the sound of “one” being pressed.) If this is Putin or Ahmadinejad, get lost. If this is New Orleans, I did all I’m going to do! Quit calling, I don’t have the bus keys! Anyone else, leave a message, I know where the erase button is and how to use it!” Beep!

Condoleeza Rice’s voice: “Good morning, Mr. President, I was just hanging around by the pool and enjoying breakfast. Nothing’s going on, except your magnificent war in Iraq, and the rest of the week looks good, too. If you don’t mind, sir, I think I’ll take this week off and do a little shopping. I’ll see you next Monday for your staff meeting. Thank you my husb, er, president. Muwha!”

Mr. Bush tries to wipe and put the book down at the same time. He’s gotten better, he has at least not dropped the book into the toilet while attempting to fold the toilet paper! Never mind!

Bush yells; “Oh not again, now I’ll have to buy another book! I have made that idiot Limbaugh rich! Oh well, the information it contains is priceless. I mean, who’d pay for it? Oh, I made a joke! I must make note of it for my legacy – sparkling wit.”

The president returns Ms. Rice’s call. “Condi, hi it’s me. George. The president! Yeah, hi, how was your breakfast? Oh, good, good, good. Condie, I don’t care about the pancakes, OK? Before you take the rest of the week off, do you think you could call Olmert and set up some talks between him and the Jordanians? Why the Jordanians? Because they’re both in the Middle East and we should do something about the Israeli’s difficulties with their neighbors. It will look good in my legacy. Well, yes it will be a lot better than trying to talk with the Palestinians. Those sheet heads are always crying about civil rights and the fact that the Israelis destroy the Palestinian neighborhoods and kill their children in retaliation for the suicide bombings. Well, forget them! There’s no oil in Palestine, why should we listen to them? Come to think of it, there’s no oil in Israel, either. So why are we supporting them? I’ll call you back, Condi.”

Mr. Bush presses a button on his intercom. The answer: “Nancy Pelosi; Hi darling, we getting together soon?”

Mr. Bush; “Sorry, Nancy, not right now. I pressed the wrong button. Bye.”

He tries again. Answer: “Lincoln Bedroom; John McCain speaking.”

Mr. Bush: “Oh, sorry John, go back to sleep.”

John McCain: “OK, Mr. President. I will, Mr. President. I love your war, Mr. President. Oh, and please tell his holiness, the Pope, thank you for the rosary. And when you see him again, could you ask him what it’s used for?”

Bush: “Ask him yourself, he’s lying right next to you!”

John McCain, “Is that who that is? I did not recognize him without his pointy hat. He wouldn’t leave me alone; all night he wanted me to play this game called ‘Yes, Your Eminence, I am the altar boy of your dreams!’ I told him to take his hands off me, I’m not a Catholic, a Democrat or gay.”

Mr. Bush, “Good work, John, I knew you could handle him. After all, you must have experienced worse horrors in the Hanoi Hilton. No? Not even close, huh. Well, try and get some sleep. After all you are running for president and you have some big shoes to fill. Mine, you idiot!”

Bush tries another button. Answer: “Laura Bush. What do you want, dummy?”

Frustrated, he gets out from behind the desk, walks over to the door, opens it and yells “Where is Bob Gates?”

Voice from down the hall answers: “He’s out hunting quail with Dick Cheney! Dummy!”

Mr. Bush: “Laura, is that you? Never mind. Oh no, now I’ll need another Secretary of Defense!”

Bush goes back to his desk and places a call. “Good morning, General Patraeous! How are things going? What’s that? No, I understand, General, take time to duck and cover, I’ll wait.”

After several minutes: “Yeah, general, the reason I called was to ask if you have any small nuclear devices laying around that you could spare? You know, like a hand grenade or something. Well, I know they don’t make nuclear hand grenades – who’d try to use one? Right? No I guess I’m thinking of a small missile, you know, that won’t start a nuclear war but will send one heck of a message. I was wondering if you could send a couple of them into Palestinian territory, you know, mess up a couple of neighborhoods and let them know that we’re pretty much on Israel’s side. After all we want God to like us, too! You’ll see what you can do? That would be great, general. What’s that, do I know Frank Rich’s phone number? Not off hand, I’ll transfer you to Information.”

Bush thinks: “Wow, what a chapter this will make. I can see the headline now; ‘Vigorous work by Bush and his army convince the fifty four remaining Palestinians that their situation is hopeless and they agreeably sign a peace treaty with Israel’. The chapter will tell how I alone came up with the idea of a small nuclear device to get and hold the Palestinian’s attention long enough to convince them to sign a peace treaty. I’ll have the best legacy ever!”

Bush places another call, "Uncle Dick! Hi it's little George! Can we do lunch? I have something to tell you! You'll be so proud of me, Uncle Dick!

Oh Donkey Boy, The Polls The Polls Decrying

Last year about this time, when George Bush was still smarting from the 2006 election results, could anyone have imagined the state of the campaign today, with the Donkeys doing their best to loose the election and John McCain the only Elephant left standing? Who’d a thunk it?

In July, 2007, when the campaigns began to get their personnel lined up and the candidates were beginning to issue talking points, feeling their way out of the starting gate but not yet beginning the running of the race, most of America was chuckling at the Elephants and their unusual array of candidates for the high office of President. Mitt Romney was the most scrutinized because he was a Mormon and the majority of Elephants were Evangelical or Fundamentalist Christians who were firmly in control of the Party and quite unsure of where the Mormons stood in relation to real Christians. Poor Mitt, every time he had to answer a question on policy or procedure, he had to follow it with another question on his Mormon Faith. The Religious Right just could not get comfortable with him. Or any of the other candidates for that matter; McCain and Giuliani were too Left Wing, Thompson tripped and fell coming out of the gate, Ron Paul wasn’t an Elephant, really, but a Libertarian and that sounded too Liberal. The leaders of the Religious Right did not even get behind two of their own, Brownback and Huckabee because Huckabee raised taxes while he was Governor of Arkansas and Brownback just couldn’t persuade anyone that he was both a Religious Right Roadie and a true Elephant; campaigning for smaller government and lower taxes. Everyone, except John McCain and his mother, had written him off and buried him in his “Straight Talk Express” bus tour that looked like a leftover from the television show “Sunday Morning” with Charles Kuralt. (Sorry Charles)

But, the Elephant left standing when the Pride finished the stampede was of course, John McCain, the tried and true prisoner of war and Senator from Arizona – the least liked candidate by the Religious Right selection committee. I watch the entire proceedings, Mr. McCain, and those other guys never had a chance. There was not a single backbone or bit of courage displayed within that group. You da man, John!

But regardless who the Elephants chose to lead the parade, it was a known fact that the Donkeys were going to walk away the big winners in November, 2008. Well, in another time, maybe, and with decent leadership of the Party, that statement would most likely be true. However, the pollsters and pundits forgot the Dean, Pelosi, Reed factor of dumbass to the third power and the lack of leadership they displayed.

I can only assume that Howard Dean was chosen to head the DNC because why? I guess Time will tell because I sure can’t. At least we cannot blame Mr. Dean for the Super Delegates or the partitioning of the votes cast in the state primary, that was all concocted by former lead Donkeys prior to Howard’s reign of terror.

When the 2006 election turned out to be a set back for the Elephants, the Donkey Majority elected their Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and their Majority Leader in the Senate, Harry Reed. Can you say “What the f*ck, over!” If one ever wondered why the Democrats were represented by a Jackass, look no farther than these three. Dumb, dumber and dumbest. That is translated to be Reed, Dean and Pelosi.

Reed gets the dumb title because he’s the least offensive of the bunch. He is so quiet and so like what Mister Milquetoast is most thought to be that he is ineffective in any attempt to bring fear and loathing to the Oval Office. Bush knows he just has to keep his pepper spray handy and use it to control this old dog. Someone gave Mr. Reed a sign to hang in his office that read “There They Go, I Must Hasten After Them for I Am Their Leader!” He polishes it every day.

Dumber goes to Howard Dean and his second chance to be the leader of the Donkey Party. He blew his first chance with his energetic and somewhat comical show of enthusiasm when, during the 2000 Primaries, he did his version of a Daffy Duck followed by a smooth Karate move that my seven year old grand nephew does a better job of. He didn't notice the hundreds of reporters and camera men watching the proceedings. A disheveled Mr. Dean with wild eyes and a coprophagous grin plastered on his face looking all the world like a demented transgender coryphée whose partner had just abandoned him moments before the pas de deux, was glaring out from the front page of most of America’s morning newspapers the next day. But everyone deserves a second chance, Howie; it’s just a shame the Donkey’s gave you yours.

Then there’s the pièce de résistance of dumbass served cold, Nancy Pelosi. Ms Pelosi announced immediately upon her election to Speaker of the House that “Impeachment is off the table!” She subsequently interfered with several of the Representatives when they attempted to begin Impeachment proceedings against Mr. Bush, even ridiculing their attempts and disgracing them before their peers and the public. Thereby giving Mr. Bush general absolution for all of his sins against the Constitution and the American military, and a green light to continue his destroying some major portions of that document and his crimes against humanity! That was the most asinine display of leadership and understanding of her position that I hope has ever and will ever come from a Speaker of the House. You are supposed to stop the bad man, Ms Pelosi, not encourage him to do more and bigger crimes against humanity and our democracy – what’s left of it.

It makes one suspicious that there’s more going on here than meets the eye. You know, like Clinton and Lewinski? Just performing mind exercises trying to come up with an explanation for why you have been so easy to forgive a man who the majority of the citizens who voted for you expected you to investigate and perhaps impeach, bring to trial and even convict for placing our military needlessly in harm’s way in Iraq and for the resulting varied and numerous crimes against humanity. So far, you have been on the wrong side in this issue. Wrong side, hell, you are downright protective of the man. What’s going on, Nancy? Remember, confession is good for the soul, so if you haven’t lost yours yet, try it, you may like it.

But hell, who doesn’t love a circus and all the action and excitement that go with it? Bring on the Elephants and the donkeys! And the clowns, let’s not forget the clowns! Bush, Kennedy, Reed, Pelosi, Dean, Cheney (actually more a knife thrower than a clown), Rove, Gonzalez; wait, let’s not waist time – the White House and Congress, that will take care of the clowns.

So, get ready for four, maybe eight more years of Elephants tracking up the oval office and the Rotunda because once the Donkeys unleash the Super Delegates at their show in August, it will take at least eight years to quell the riots in the streets of America and restore law and order after Obama is dumped and Billary gets the nod. God may not bless America but He certainly will keep watching. Who can turn their eyes away from a train wreck of this magnitude?

By the way, I’m still waiting to hear from someone who knows all the verses to Kumbaya and who can lead us in song. We need it, and soon.

Here Comes The Pope

Here comes the Pope! America, get ready to meet the Vicar of Christ on earth! In case you are wondering what is meant by the term Vicar of Christ, it means the Pope is a substitute for Christ; he is taking Christ’s place. And what a substitute he is, too. Much richer, worldlier, friend of the rich and powerful world wide, basically everything Christ wasn’t. The Catholics don’t see it that way, I’m sure. But it is difficult to hide his trappings when he owns his own country, lives in a palace, has servants, chefs, chauffeurs, tailors, treasures untold (paintings, statues, gold, silver - a lot more than thirty pieces, real estate holdings world wide, and let’s not forget his fifteen hundred dollar loafers he was spotted wearing shortly after he assumed the rank of Pope.) Nice life if you can get it but you can’t get it even if you try. That’s because it is the oldest and largest “good old boys club” in the world and it’s all in who you know.

Actually, the Pope is no different than any other religious leader such as Billy Graham, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, any of the wealthy Ecumenical, Fundamentalist heads of their own religions who found out years ago that there is a tremendous amount of money to be made fooling people into believing that the only way to God is through them. They hold the keys of the kingdom! They is ”Da Man”!

Somebody say “Hang on there, Pilgrim; let’s take a look at what’s under that mask of piety and holiness these men all wear.”

Since his holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, is gracious enough to pay us a visit, let’s look at him and his organization, the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church is one of the largest corporations in the world. It has a presence in every part of the Globe. It has a fortune so vast that no one knows what they are worth except them, and they’re not sure. The corporate headquarters is located in Vatican City, which is actually a small country independent of Italy where it is located. The Pope is the CEO of the company with a gaggle of Cardinals spread around the world who act as Chief Religious Officers and, in the case of the recent priest scandal that should have rocked the church, they become the Karl Roves of their domain and deflect attention from the real problem and blame everything on abortion. (Usually the Church blames all the sin in the world on homosexuality and abortion, but in this case, since many of the priests were sucking on the penises of boy babes, the spin doctors paraded the hapless women who had abortions out as the reason this terrible sin occurred. Quick thinkers, aren’t they? Don’t worry, they’ll do their best to make up for lost time and blame global warming on us gays.)

The corporation is further organized with middle management, the Arch-Bishops and Bishops who head smaller regions called Diocese and who report to the Cardinals. Reporting to the Arch-Bishops and Bishops are the monsignors; many of whom are pastors of parishes, and the priests.

The present CEO of course is Pope, Benny XVI, who has a darkly colorful background. He was a member of Hitler’s youth program and probably goose stepped for Der Fuhrer many times in a show of loyalty and solidarity. Sieg Heil, Holy Father! The Church explained away this embarrassing fact by saying that, being young and afraid, he had to go along with the program. I know that would be true for me as I would have gone along with anything Uncle Adolph dreamt up. But, I guess I feel that a man who replaces Christ on earth would posses a stronger character and deeper convictions. But, what the hell do I know? I’m probably just jealous of his wealth and power and the fact that he’s enjoying heaven here on earth.

He’s often a powerful voice for the poor, speaking of their plight world wide and our responsibility to help them. Of course, that’s all he is is a voice. He hasn’t opened up the coffers very wide except to add money from the sale of the churches in poor neighborhoods because they can no longer turn a profit. I could see closing the big buildings and tearing them down or selling them, but the Church should turn around and provide a smaller, more cost efficient building where services could be provided.

Oh well, I could go on and on about the enormous wealth and privilege enjoyed by the Popes through the ages but what’s the point? No one questions religious authority because, if they do, they are afraid of offending God. Well, I need to tell you that if anyone may be guilty of offending God it just might be the rich and powerful religious leaders who enjoy great wealth and power by scaring the money out of their follower’s wallets and purses.

There is tremendous money and treasure to be had by operating a religion and a religious organization. For instance, that gold that’s on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome is worth untold millions. It originally belonged to the Inca Indians who were forced to turn it over to the Spanish Conquistadors who in turn gave most of it to the Holy Father at the time. The Indians were then summarily killed off and other Spanish dudes went on to get more gold from the Mayans and the Aztecs. By the way, should you run into Pope Benedict XVI in a Seven Eleven buying cigarettes and a Giant Slurpee, don’t bring this up; he doesn’t like to be embarrassed.

The first person who uttered that timeless truism “there’s no justice in this world” must have been talking about the unlawful, unkind acts perpetrated in the name of religion by all religious leaders through history. Take as an example the many famous and expensive paintings and sculptures that the Catholic Church has hanging in its corporate buildings in Vatican City. Those pieces were stolen from the Jewish families that were rounded up and systematically killed in the Nazi death camps of WWII. It is strongly believed that the Germans gave them to the Catholic Church in exchange for their help in effecting safe passage out of Europe and into South America. The Church denies it but it does lead one to ask “then where did they come from; the Sunday collection plate?” Wherever they got those treasures, they knew they were stolen. Did they return them to their rightful owners? I think you know the answer.

Ah well, bilk me once, shame on you; bilk me twice (and three times and four…) shame on me. Actually, the churches may be helping us get to heaven after all by taking our money and/or treasure. Wasn’t it Christ who said “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven?” With my anemic finances, I should be able to walk right in, sit right down and baby let my hair hang down!

Shame on me, I’ve been nothing but negative about the Pope and his little church. There is one thing he and I see eye to eye on and that is our dislike of the Iraq war and our opposition to it from the get go. Benedict denounced the invasion and subsequent occupation as being unjust and immoral. He advocates the systematic, timely removal of American forces and the return of Iraq to the Iraqi people. He’s got me on his side there.

To all the Catholics in America, I hope you enjoy and get something out of Pope Benedict’s visit. And to those of you who are critical of the man and his mission, remember this, you made him what he is today. He’s your leader. They’re his rules. You go to hell if you break them. Meanwhile, my money’s on the camel.